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A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle. An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager. The inscriptions following will serve to illustrate the success attained in these Olympian games:.

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One of a race of persons who lived before the division of labor had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, and who followed the primitive economic maxim, "Every man his own horse. The scripture story of the head of John the Baptist on a charger shows that pagan myths have somewhat sophisticated sacred history.

The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the entrance—against whom or what does not clearly appear; everybody, sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off the entrance. Cerberus is known to have had three heads, and some of the poets have credited him with as many as a hundred. Professor Graybill, whose clerky erudition and profound knowledge of Greek give his opinion great weight, has averaged all the estimates, and makes the number twenty-seven—a judgment that would be entirely conclusive if Professor Graybill had known a something about dogs, and b something about arithmetic.

The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth—two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.

A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet—two clarionets. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of bettering his temporal ones.

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CLIO, n. One of the nine Muses. Clio's function was to preside over history—which she did with great dignity, many of the prominent citizens of Athens occupying seats on the platform, the meetings being addressed by Messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus and other popular speakers. CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.

Unduly desirous of keeping that which many meritorious persons wish to obtain. A man who piously shuts himself up to meditate upon the sin of wickedness; and to keep it fresh in his mind joins a brotherhood of awful examples. The tribute that we pay to achievements that resembles, but do not equal, our own. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E. An administrative entity operated by an incalculable multitude of political parasites, logically active but fortuitously efficient.

Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided by him to C.

The Daily Devil’s Dictionary: What’s a “Hipster”

A specialist who knows everything about something and nothing about anything else. An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision, some wine was pouted on his lips to revive him. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others. In American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.

A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the injurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet. A place of retirement for woman who wish for leisure to meditate upon the vice of idleness. A fair for the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbor. The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.

An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but less indigestible. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him.

CROSS, n. An ancient religious symbol erroneously supposed to owe its significance to the most solemn event in the history of Christianity, but really antedating it by thousands of years. By many it has been believed to be identical with the crux ansata of the ancient phallic worship, but it has been traced even beyond all that we know of that, to the rites of primitive peoples.

We have to-day the White Cross as a symbol of chastity, and the Red Cross as a badge of benevolent neutrality in war. Having in mind the former, the reverend Father Gassalasca Jape smites the lyre to the effect following:. The faculty that distinguishes a weak animal or person from a strong one. It brings its possessor much mental satisfaction and great material adversity.

An Italian proverb says: "The furrier gets the skins of more foxes than asses. CUPID, n. The so-called god of love. This bastard creation of a barbarous fancy was no doubt inflicted upon mythology for the sins of its deities. Of all unbeautiful and inappropriate conceptions this is the most reasonless and offensive. The notion of symbolizing sexual love by a semisexless babe, and comparing the pains of passion to the wounds of an arrow—of introducing this pudgy homunculus into art grossly to materialize the subtle spirit and suggestion of the work— this is eminently worthy of the age that, giving it birth, laid it on the doorstep of prosperity.

An objectionable quality of the female mind. The desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul.

CURSE, v. Energetically to belabor with a verbal slap-stick. This is an operation which in literature, particularly in the drama, is commonly fatal to the victim. Nevertheless, the liability to a cursing is a risk that cuts but a small figure in fixing the rates of life insurance.

COLLECTIONS

CYNIC, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. DAMN, v. A word formerly much used by the Paphlagonians, the meaning of which is lost.

AUTHOR'S PREFACE

By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believed to have been a term of satisfaction, implying the highest possible degree of mental tranquillity. Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks it expressed an emotion of tumultuous delight, because it so frequently occurs in combination with the word jod or god , meaning "joy.

DANCE, v. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. There are many kinds of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the two sexes have two characteristics in common: they are conspicuously innocent, and warmly loved by the vicious.

A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman Catholic Church, whose important function is to brand the Pope's bulls with the words Datum Romae. He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship of God. DAWN, n. The time when men of reason go to bed.

Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it.

DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper—the former devoted to sins of business, the latter consecrated to the other sort. These two kinds of social activity overlap.

One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had the misfortune to overtake it. A series of commandments, ten in number—just enough to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the Decalogue, calculated for this meridian. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set.

Less conspicuously admirable than one's ancestors. The contemporaries of Homer were striking examples of degeneracy; it required ten of them to raise a rock or a riot that one of the heroes of the Trojan war could have raised with ease. Homer never tires of sneering at "men who live in these degenerate days," which is perhaps why they suffered him to beg his bread—a marked instance of returning good for evil, by the way, for if they had forbidden him he would certainly have starved.

One of the stages of moral and social progress from private station to political preferment. An extinct pachyderm that flourished when the Pterodactyl was in fashion. The latter was a native of Ireland, its name being pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the man pronouncing it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed. The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris. Variously pronounced. The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.